Page 84 of For Better or Hearse
“Definitely green,” Ash murmurs. “Like that red Trans Am that Aunt Bev let us drive down the Pacific Coast Highway.”
“Oh my god.”
Ash bites her lip. Smiles. Whispers, “He looked up cryptids. For me, I think.”
Another gasp. “Ash.”
Her cheeks flame. “Stop. It doesn’t mean anything. It was just one part of his master plan to corrupt and sway me over to his side.”
“Sounds like you like his side.”
Ash’s heart pounds loudly in her ears. “Okay, I admit I am grudgingly impressed by his jawline, and if he wants to tie me down and whisper his murderous intentions to me while I’m half-naked, then who am I to argue? It’s just for the rest of the trip.”
“What if this is it?”
Her throat closes up. Her lungs seize. “It’s not.”
She can hear her cousin’s frown over the phone. “You always talk about the universe, Ash. But never yours. Maybe you need to let it in for once.”
Ash stands. Paces away her anxiety. “No. There is no universe-ing my love life. Nathaniel and I are a vacation fling. A blip in the stratosphere of it-happened-one-time. If you see me catching feelings for him, please send a carrier pigeon to peck my eyes out.” She inhales. “We have a few more days here, then…”
“Maui,” Tessie finishes.
“Maui.” She swallows hard, suddenly chilled. “I’ll be okay.”
“Okay like before? When you quit your job, sold your car, started traveling and ate three bologna sandwiches a day?”
Ash squeezes her eyes shut. Embarrassment coats her stomach. She did all that. And then some.
“Lizzo was right. The truth hurts.”
“Ash,” Tessie says in a soft voice. “I don’t want you to pushyourself. You take care of everyone else. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. If Maui’s too much and you need to bail or hide away in your hotel room, do that.”
They go silent. But she knows Tessie waits quietly for her to rally. Or snap. Either way, she’s there. She loves her cousin so much.
Ash squeezes her eyes shut. All of a sudden, there’s no air in the room.
Truth is, it’s not even the cheating, the break-up, that haunts her anymore. It’s what Jakob said to her the day she packed her bags.
Her deepest, darkest secret. Probably the only one she’s ever kept from Tessie. Jakob lingered in the doorway, watching her pack. She was almost out the door when she stopped. Turned. She shouldn’t have asked. But she wanted to know. Maybe she wanted closure. Or an apology.
“Why?” she said. “Why did you…” She trailed off. She couldn’t finish the sentence.
Jakob let out a great heaving sigh. “Sometimes…you’re too much, Ash. Too messy. I just…can’t deal.”
He said it like he wanted to erase her.
Don’t be too much. Don’t be messy. Get your shit together.
For years, the motto consumed an overwhelming amount of bandwidth in her brain. It took her down psychologically.
She knows she’s better off. Jakob never loved her. At least not the real her.
She’ll save herself for those that deserve it.
Ash opens her eyes. Lets out a shaky breath. Nods her affirmation. “I’m not bailing on Maui. Or Augustus.”
She can get through this. Unless she encounters some sort of force majeure, she’s staying by Augustus’s side.