Page 140 of For Better or Hearse
He’s quiet for a long second, then concedes with a sigh. “I think…I think your life is like a spark running down a fuse. And when it fizzles out, we’re just…done. Blackness.”
“Wow,” she says drolly. “Boring and not at all hopeful.”
He snorts. “What’s the Ash Keller explanation, then?”
“I, and this is my personal hot take, like to envision ghosts or reincarnation. I don’t think it’s the end.” She shrugs, allows a little peace to seep into her. “It’s what gives me hope. It’s what lets me do my job without turning into a blubbering mess. That thereis something else out there waiting for us. That big secret at the end of our life that we finally get to find out about.”
“I hope your theory is right,” he tells her, voice thickening. “I really do, Ash.”
“What do you want in life?” Her eyes flick to his. “You asked me at the lighthouse. But you never told me what you want.”
Nathaniel shifts, pulling her in closer. His voice is low and rough. Fierce in its intensity.
“What I want is to get off this goddamn island,” he swears quietly. With a hand on her chin, he holds her gaze. In the dark, his eyes burn. “I want you to be warm and safe and most importantly…be mine. Be mine, Ash.”
His words knock the wind out of her. His voice is convincing and firm, as if he knows what they are when even she doesn’t.
There’s a weight in her chest, and it’s increasing its pressure.
She wants to stop it, wants to tamp down the blooming feeling inside her. Wants to continue telling herself it’s easier to be tough, to put others first, to close herself off because of what happened to her.
But she can’t. Not anymore.
No more pushing. No more heart of thorns. No more fear.
Here, in Nathaniel’s arms, it’s okay. Okay to be herself. Okay to let herself move on with her life, to cobble together some semblance of happiness and embrace it during the time she has left on this planet.
Lifting up on her arm, she traces gentle fingers over his handsome face. Those cheekbones. Those lush lips. Nathaniel’s beautiful, thumping heart. He whimpers as she leans in, barely sweeping her lips against his.
“I am,” she whispers. “I am yours.” Cups his cheek. “And you’re mine too.”
The thorns around her heart release.
It blooms.
Nathaniel stares into her eyes. Makes a rough sound in theback of his throat. Palms her face with both hands and crushes his mouth to hers.
They’re both breathing heavily when she pulls back. She looks at him in wonder. Feeling so light she could float away. Like there’s never been any kiss, any man, any love to exist except Nathaniel. And then she takes a hard breath and says, “Ashabelle.” Her voice wobbles. Her eyes sting. “My real name is Ashabelle.”
“Ashabelle,” he echoes, his tone full of amazement. No humor or mockery.
“My parents couldn’t decide on a name. For two weeks after I was born, they called me the baby. Just the baby. My mother liked Ash, but not Ashley or Ashton. My father liked Isabelle. So, they combined what they liked and got Ashabelle.”
“Ashabelle,” Nathaniel says again. In the darkness, a glimmer of a smile. “It’s so Disney princess. So, so, so…” His wondering gaze scours her face. “You.”
She laughs. “Excuse me?”
“It’s you. Crispy outside, chewy center.” He palms her cheek, tucking a lock of wild, salty-sea-waved hair behind her ear. “Tough. Mean. Beautiful. I love it.” He kisses her brow. “Every single part of you is perfect.”
Her lips part. But she can’t find the words. Instead, the walls around her heart crumble. Prisons collapse in her rib cage. She couldn’t stop it if she tried.
Without another word, they settle on the sand. Nathaniel pulls her onto his chest and holds her. She doesn’t have to ask. She already knows he’s staying up.
She’s exhausted, but she lies there, thinking. Contemplating the big, wide universe above them. Tessie’s words echo in her head.See where it goes.
God. What a fucking fabulous notion.
Suddenly, she feels lightheaded. There’s a tight, stressful feeling in her chest. Low blood sugar or heart attack, she can’t tell.