Page 131 of For Better or Hearse
“It’s what he said to me. That last day at the apartment, when I was packing up my things. I asked him why. Why he did it. Like maybe it would give me closure. Like there was some fucking answer that would take away the sting. And he told me—” Her voice breaks like she’s reliving the memory. “Oh fuck.” She grinds her fingertips into her eyes.
Nathaniel curls his hand into a fist, reins in his anger.
Ash ducks her face. Big tears slip out of her eyes to slide down her cheeks. “He told me I was too much. Too messy. That everything about me was too messy. My hair. My life.”
“He fucking did not,” Nathaniel growls. Cheating on a partner then gaslighting them to think they’re the one with the problems is a whole different level of disrespect.
Ash’s lower lip trembles. “He did.”
“That man deserves to be fucking flayed and tortured for saying that.”
“See?” Her laugh is wobbly. “Medieval violence is the answer.”
He draws her tighter against him. Tilts her chin. “He’s an idiot. You know that, right?”
“Sometimes,” she admits. “Sometimes I think he was right.”
Shame, sadness, stains her voice, slumps her shoulders. Dims her light.
“I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong,” Ash says. “Not because I’m not good enough, but because of my weird interests, or my diabetes. Take your pick. What Jakob said cemented it in my head. And I hate it. I hate that I let a man like that, a man who couldn’t even stay faithful, who didn’t even see the real me, make me feel like that.” She gives him a sad little smile. “I know who I am…but sometimes I think people don’t want me because of who I am. That they don’t see me.”
Nathaniel inhales a deep breath. “I see you, Ash. I see someone who comforts others, but not herself. Someone who wants the best for everyone else, but not herself.” He pushes a damp lock of hair behind her ear. Stares into her wide eyes. “Do you know how you make me feel? How you make others feel? Someone has you in their corner, they’re fucking lucky. You are fierce and you are loyal and you are extremely, extremely mean. And I’m glad to be on the receiving end of all yourassholes.”
That pulls a laugh from her.
“Nothing about you is messy,” he says. “I love your wild hair and your mean mouth. They are impossibly perfect.Youare perfect.”
Her answering smile is wobbly but true.
He cradles her face in his hands. “And fuck that guy,” he says roughly. “He doesn’t deserve you.”
She meets his gaze, her eyes softening. “I know.”
With a deep breath out, he pulls her closer. “It’s late.” They have a long day tomorrow.
“Nathaniel…” Ash peers up at him through wet lashes. “Will you stay with me?”
The rare, shy vulnerability on her face spears something deep within him.
“Stay. Please.” She catches his shirt, twists it in her hands. “I want you to. And it’s not because I’m sad and lonely and don’t want to be alone.” She cups his face in her warm hands. “It’s because I want you, Nathaniel.” Her wet eyes search his face. “I want you more than I can stand it.”
“I’ll stay,” he says hoarsely.
I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.
“Thank you,” she breathes.
He dips his head and kisses her, fingers knotting in her hair.
This time, the sex is slow, needy, purposeful. Unbreakable. A link snapping taut in the middle of them. When they’re finished, they lay on the couch in the dark, tangled up together, Ash’s breathing steady and her face content.
I love you, Nathaniel thinks.
He stays awake until the sun rises.
“How are you feeling?” Ash asks.
Tessie sits in bed, hands on her bump, propped up by no less than ten throw pillows. No doubt Solomon’s doing.