Page 90 of The Girl with No Name
I increase my jogging to a pace faster than normal.
Fuck me.You’re such a goddamn idiot, a voice reminds me.
And then I think about Sam’s kiss in college. We’re all human.
Luna and I were not just a random, drunken make-out, though. If I’m being honest, I enjoyed the hell out of our time together. I didn’t want the night with her to end.Regretis not what I’m feeling.
The girl with no name cast a spell on me, and I enjoyed it.
I laugh, wondering how on earth we went a full weekend together and I still don’t know her name, yet I felt so much with her.
Faster.
My telltale heart pounds heavily in my chest as my shoes pound the pavement.
Maybe this is good. This is a wake-up call. I don’t think I was being totally honest with myself about how much of a rough patch Sam and I have been going through. Her “not in the mood” turndowns over the past month have been adding up. The sparseness of her texts is nipping at me.
Still, that’s no excuse.
Sam and I have history. We know each other so well. She’s the bubbly sorority girl; I’m the do-gooder frat boy college athlete turned Peace Corps volunteer. She knew me in my youth. She saw me set a track record in college for the 400m dash.
Who am I, if I’m not with her? She’s such a central part of my identity, and future. The beauty of a long-term relationshipis the way you hold a younger version of one another in your shared memory. And I’m just going to throw that away?
Faster.
My breath increases. I invite the pain in. It feels strangely good to hurt. I’m a disgrace. I deserve to feel bad.
I pass a cute couple running together, in visors and matching gear, just like Sam and I used to do—still do when we’re physically together.
I run all the way to Ohio Street Beach, then turn in to Milton L. Olive Park, the boardwalk on the lake that parallels Navy Pier. As I pass some park benches, I flash back to Dunn and Wendy’s wedding last summer. The wedding party came out here for photos. I sprint to the end of the pier, pushing myself to the point where I can’t breathe anymore.
You’ll never be like that happy couple.
A rush of emotion surges through me. Sadness, nostalgia, the possibilities of the future. Despite any disconnect Sam and I are going through right now, we’ve planned a life together. That means something to me.
When I get back to my place, Mason is sitting at his desk in the same position I left him, playing video games. “Yo yo. How was the run?”
“Felt good.”
“So what are you gonna do?”
I pull out my phone and check for flights. “There’s a flight to San Francisco at seven p.m. out of O’Hare.”
“Oh, nice.”
“Can you drive me?”
Mason sighs. “I don’t know. I have a big night planned here.”
“Bro, how long have you been playing video games today? Ten hours already?”
“All right, all right. I guess I can pull myself away.”
20
REED
“GIN, SMOKE, LIES” – TURNPIKE TROUBADOURS