Page 17 of Symphonic Synergy
He tilts his head back and sighs. “I’m so fucked, Kaye. I’m so fuckin’ fucked.”
“When did you realize you were bi?”
“I’m pan. I’ve always known. The issue isn’t my attraction to men. When did you realize you were a lesbian?”
I laugh nervously. “When Piper snuck into her brother’s bedroom, who was my boyfriend, and went down on me.”
Marley gasps. “Excuse me?”
We both burst out laughing, easing the emotional phase of a moment ago.
“Like, she went downtown with the poor fucker snoring away right beside you?”
I shrug. “Pretty much.”
Marley smirks. “She’s a shit disturber. No wonder you didn’t want her on the tour. How are you gonna handle your perfectly curated life going topsy-turvy?”
“I don’t know, Mar. I’m fuckin’ fucked.”
CHAPTER 10
Piper
My fingers glide along the neck of the guitar as I strum the same chord repeatedly.
Shiraz Naimi, my conscience and the band’s drummer, taps her fingers on her knee. “One of the best songs ever written. You know I still get choked up when I hear it.”
“Huh?” I lift my gaze from my guitar to look at her.
Shiraz points to the guitar. “Fast Cars by Tracy Chapman.”
My fingers freeze on the strings as realization dawns on me. It’s like running naked through a cafeteria in the presence of my judgmental mother and out-of-touch father. Nine years since I listened to the song, and I’m strumming along like it’s been playing on repeat in my mind.
When Kaye and I were together, we played the tune and planned the many things we’d do once we got out of our town. We would be traveling artists, seeing the world, creating, and making love until our bodies collapsed from exhaustion. Our minds would retreat into a universe littered with idealistic fantasies. We never realized that you could only live in the realm of make-believe for so long before reality struck down all your grand illusions.
Kaye and I were products of the harsh realities of life. I didn’t fit into the contrived ideal of my parents. They wanted me to be the perfect daughter, get married, and have children—a fate written in the stars for the girls born in my small town. Things that the other girls wanted due to lack of worldly knowledge or the notion that heteronormative domestic bliss was the pinnacle of life. But unlike those girls, I wanted something else.
The rough kisses of boyfriends with their teenage stubble or barely there mustaches did nothing for me. The hard lines of a man’s chest didn’t turn me on. I never wanted the quarterback to glance my way, and when the bad boys caressed me with calloused hands, my body withered, and bile rose in my throat. There was no second-guessing that I was a lesbian, something I knew from a young age. Kaye, however, wasn’t privy to her sexuality until she met me.
From the moment I saw Kaye Cavendish, I was smitten. She was so real, raw, and beautiful—from her long hair and pretty dresses to her ruby-red lips and warm eyes. I knew I’d never look at anyone the way I looked at Kaye.
But she was dating my twin brother. My only option was to be her friend, and that consolation prize was better than the alternative of not having her near me.
I learned all I could about her, shared parts of myself with her that no other human was privy to. Kaye became my refuge in the pandemonium of my life. Before her, I was a spinning compass. With her, I had a true north.
My longing for her intensified slowly until one night when my desires became so intense that like a moth I flew right into the flame willing to burn due to my unbearable need for her.
“Why are you with him?” I asked as Kaye and I stood at the sink of the Jack and Jill bathroom separating my room from my brother’s.
Kaye rinsed her mouth and gazed upward. She always did that when she didn’t want to discuss an issue. There was nothing interesting about the white stucco on the ceiling, but Kaye focused on it like it was a divine revelation that could save her.
“He was there at my lowest point,” she whispered.
I wanted to shake her. To wake her the fuck up. My brother didn’t care about her. Not like I did. He would leave her in the dust without a second glance. I would place her on a pedestal and worship her. “He treats you like shit.”
Kaye shook her head. “No, Larken doesn’t treat me like shit. Being treated like shit means curling up on the floor and protecting your head as your father kicks you until you’re black and blue. Being treated like shit is going hungry for days because your father went on a bender. When you’re ten years old, and you have no food or money to purchase groceries. No, Piper, Larken doesn’t treat me like shit. Larken treats me like a convenience. At least with Larken, I’m safe. He may not care about me, but he’s never once hurt me. For a girl like me, that’s the world.”
The pain in Kaye’s voice was a mallet to my heart. The sorrow in her large chocolate-brown eyes was so visceral that I bit my bottom lip to hold back my tears. It wasn’t fair that Kaye had to live a life of misery. I couldn’t even picture how horrible it must have been to be so young and completely alone. Especially in our small town filled with gossips and judgmental bitches.