Page 50 of Fight for You

"Why are you being like this?" she demands, propping her hands on her hips to glare at me.

"I don't know. Maybe because I came to pick up my girl, only to find her letting some other guy hang all over her and call her cute fucking names. And then he tugs on her hair, and instead of my girl telling him to fuck off, she tells him to text her like she doesn't have a damn man already. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. Is that how it goes?" I regret the words as soon as I say them, but the damage is already done.

She jerks back like I slapped her, the color draining from her face as tears fill her eyes. "You are such a dick, Cade," she practically yells at me. "And I'll be friends with whoever I want!" With that, she turns and storms off. "Don't even think about following me. I'm riding with Mariah!" she shouts over her shoulder.

"Fuck," I mutter, watching her disappear into the crowd that's now blatantly staring between the two of us. I glare at all of them and then stalk to my bike, too worked up to even think about following her. If I do, I'll just say something else stupid, and then she'll really be pissed.

I can't believe I just said that to her. January has never once given me a reason not to trust her. She's struggling just as hard with us not having as much time together as I am. Worse, maybe. But she would never cheat on me. She loves me. I have never doubted that. Until today.

She's right. I am a dick.

My hand goes to my chest, where I rub, trying to ease the ache taking up residence there. I really can't believe I actually said that shit to her. She's probably crying right now.

"Fuck," I growl to myself, flinging myself onto my bike.

"I think I screwed up," I admit to my mom early the next morning. I'm sitting beside her grave, a bouquet of flowers in my hands. The grass is wet, but I don't give a shit. I barely slept last night. Guilt rode me hard all night. I feel like an asshole for what I said to January yesterday.

She isn't answering my calls or texts. I even knocked on her front door once, but she didn't answer it. Didn't even yell at me to go away like she used to do when she was upset and wanted to be left alone.

I sigh and rest my head on the side of my mom's headstone. A nest of lesser goldfinches chirp loudly from a tree a few feet away. Their mom flits back and forth, trying to keep them in the nest even though they keep giving her the slip and popping up on the sides of the thing. They'll be flying off soon.

"I practically accused January of cheating on me," I confess to my mom, closing my eyes and letting the early morning sun beat down on my face. "Some guy had his arm around her. I was so damn jealous. Being away from her so much is hard. I feel like everyone I love is slipping away from me. You're gone. Ma Lucia is gone. Titan's doing his own thing and barely talks to me unless I hunt him down and make him talk."

Seeing January with some guy hanging all over her made me see red. I'm terrified to lose her. She's the only light left in my life. She's beautiful and so fucking sweet. I worry someone else is going to swoop in and steal her from me because I'm not there for her like I should be. She deserves someone who can take her out and show her off…someone who can spend all his time with her.

I'm halfway across the city most of the time, locked away in the library, trying to make sure I pass my classes so I can give her the life she deserves without relying on the money my mom didn't want anything to do with. Most days, I just crash in my dorm instead of driving back to Ma Lucia's.

What if she decides she's tired of waiting for me to get my head out of my ass? At least some guy like the douche yesterday can be there for her. They're in the same school, doing the same shit every day.

"I wish you and Ma Lucia were here," I whisper, swallowing down the lump rising in my throat at the thought of losing January. "I'm not sure what you'd have to say about the situation, but I know you'd love January. You'd probably smack me on the back of the head and tell me to stop being an idiot."

"You aren't an idiot."

My eyes fly open to find January standing a few feet away, watching me. She's dressed in an oversized pink hoodie and a pair of skinny jeans with ballet slippers on her feet. Her hair is down and her bright pink fingernails match her hoodie. She offers me a sad smile, and I know she got about as much sleep as I did last night. Her eyes are still puffy from crying, with dark shadows beneath.

The sight makes me feel like an even bigger asshole.

She takes a couple of tentative steps in my direction and then stops.

"I am an idiot," I whisper, setting the flowers on my mom's grave and then wiping my hands on my pants. "I never should have said that shit to you yesterday, baby girl. That was fucked up."

"Why did you say it?" she asks, cocking her head to the side. She studies me intently, those bright emerald eyes flitting across my face like she genuinely wants to understand.

"I was jealous," I admit, swallowing hard. "I saw him with his arm around you, saw you laughing with him, and it made me so fucking jealous that he's there with you all the time and I'm not. You deserve someone who's there to make you that happy every day."

"He doesn't make me happy," she whispers, blinking rapidly. "He might have made me laugh, but he doesn't make me happy, Cade. You make me happy."

"I barely even see you anymore. I feel like shit because I miss you constantly."

"I miss you too." She bites her bottom lip, worry turning those green eyes a touch darker than normal. "Are you…do you regret being with me?"

"No! God no," I hurry to assure her. "I love you like crazy, January. I just feel like being with me is keeping you from living a full life. I worry that being with me is taking you away from the things you should be doing."

"Being with you is the best part of my life." She takes another couple of steps toward me and then sits directly across from me, pulling her legs up to her chest to wrap her arms around them. "I don't feel like I'm missing anything by being with you. Yeah, being away from you so much sucks, but I'm proud of you for working so hard to juggle everything you juggle." She watches me for a second. "Do you really feel like you're losing everyone?"

"You heard that?"

She nods.