Page 34 of Fight for You

"You destroyed me when you left me, Cade. I never got over you. I waited for you to come back for seven fucking years. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me. You've always been the only man I've ever wanted. You always will be," I say softly, and then I turn around and go inside because I'm not strong enough to listen to him reject me again.

Chapter Seven

Cade

Istand at the bottom of January's steps for a long time, trying to process her confession. There's so much to unpack there. I'm not even sure where to begin. All I know is that she still wants me. She thinks I stopped kissing her because I don't want her.

I only stopped because I knew if I didn't, I never would again.

I'm not good for her. She doesn't even understand how badly I fucked up back when it mattered. Back when it could have made a difference. I had the whole world in the palm of my hand, but I destroyed us all.

I pull my phone out of my pocket.

"Where you at?" Roman asks as soon as he answers. "You were supposed to be here half an hour ago."

"I'm…fuck. I can't help you tonight," I tell him, staring at January's front door like it holds the answers to all the important questions in the universe. "I can't leave her."

"January?" he asks, his voice soft.

"Tell me to walk away before I ruin her life," I say. I think I'm begging. Because if he doesn't talk me down, I'm not going to be strong enough to do it. And once she knows the truth, she'll realize I'm the last thing she needs, exactly like I told her. But she'll still be the only goddamn thing in this world that I need. Just like she always has been.

I've been living in the dark for years. She was the light in my life, the peace. All I want is to feel it again. So badly I'm not strong enough to resist the way it beckons me, whispering that everything will be just fine when I know damn well that it won't. Still…I need it. Even if it's just for a minute. Even if it can't last…I need it. Need her.

"I can't tell you what to do, Michael," Roman says. That's the first time he's ever called me by my first name. Hell, no one calls me by my first name. They haven't in years. It's one more fucking thing that hurts too goddamn badly. "But I will tell you that even if it's fucking hard, if you love her, finding a way to make it work is worth it. If she matters to you…it's worth it."

"Fuck." He's no help. Why did I think asking a man in love to throw me a life preserver would be a good idea? Of fucking course he's all rainbows and kittens. He's worthy of calling himself a cop, of being happy, and all that good shit. Me? Not so much.

I killed three people in cold blood, and I don't regret it. Don't regret any of the ones I've killed since then, either. Every single one since has been in the line of duty because this world is kill or be killed, and I didn't have a choice. But those three? Yeah, I could have walked away. I chose not to do it. Given the chance to do it over, I'd make the same decision.

I hang up the phone and shove it back into my pocket.

"Go help Roman like you said you would, deal with Kaleo, and leave January the fuck alone," I mutter to myself. But I don't listen. Of fucking course I don't. Because I'm a selfish bastard, and January is my goddamn kryptonite.

My hands shake as I jog up the wooden steps to her front door. The heavy wood rattles beneath my fist from the force of my knock. My mind screams at me to turn around and walk away. But then the door flies open, and she's standing there. She's so heartbreakingly beautiful with those bright green eyes filled to the brim with hope and her lips forming my name like a kiss.

I'm lost. Damned.

Please, God, don't let me destroy her, I pray silently. Don't let me ruin her life all over again.

"You're wrong," I blurt out, my pulse pounding so hard I'm sure she can probably hear it. "You think I don't want you, but I'm so fucking hard for you that it hurts. I've wanted nothing but you since the day I left. You think you weren't living without me? I was in hell without you. I'm still in hell." My breath comes in a desperate rasp, and my hands shake. My whole body is shaking. "Every goddamn day without you was torture, but I fucking loved the way it hurt because I didn't want to forget…to forget…"

"To forget what?" she whispers when I stumble over the words, not sure how to explain to her that even though she haunted me, I didn't want to forget her.

Because even when I didn't have her, even when I was certain I'd never step foot in this city again because I couldn't face being here without her…she still had me. She still had every fucking piece of me.

"To forget this," I rumble and stalk toward her. It takes two steps to cross the threshold. And one more before she's in my arms. I kick the door closed behind me and then haul her up against my chest.

As soon as she's in my arms, she goes wild. Her body wraps around mine, exactly like she was meant to fit me. Her hands go to my hair, her legs around my waist. Our mouths crash together with such need, such force, that our teeth clack together. I pour everything into our kiss, sucking her tongue into my mouth to steal her breath. I want her air in me, until each breath I take is full of nothing but her.

"Fuck," I swear, palming her plump ass and grinding her down on my aching cock when she bites my lip. She isn't gentle about it and I love that. Love knowing she's as desperate for me as I always have been for her.

Once upon a time, when she was in my arms like this, I was sweet and gentle. I took my time and worshipped her willing little body like she deserved. Sooner or later, I'll get around to doing it again. But right now, it isn't going to be like that. It was never fucking with her, and it won't be now, but it's going to be hard and fast and rough.

I turn us, putting her back to the door to hold her up.

Without taking my mouth from hers, I start tearing her clothes off. The fabric of her shirt rips and tears. I'll probably feel bad for ruining her shit later, but right now, it's standing between me and that body, and that's a motherfucking tragedy.

I think she agrees. Her breathy moans and the way she grinds against mine spurs me on, demanding I move faster, get us skin to skin right goddamn now. I do my best to give her what she demands with every impatient wriggle of her hips.