Page 32 of Fight for You

"I've always loved you," I tell him. It's the truth. Maybe fifteen is too young to know what I'm talking about. But I know that seeing him happy makes me happy. When he's sad, it breaks my heart. My chest hurts when I think about never kissing him again. I know I've never looked at anyone else like I do at him. My life is better because he's in it, and when I think about him not being here, I can't breathe. And I know that I'd rather break my own heart than watch him throw his life away for me. If that's not love, then I don't know what is.

"UCLA isn't far from here," he murmurs, still smiling. "I researched that shit today. It's a thirty-minute drive from our block to campus. I could do that."

"You want to go to UCLA?"

"They have a pretty good literature program. I could probably get a scholarship for my grades. They offer a lot of them."

"You looked into it?" I ask.

He nods. "Yeah, I went to the library today. I figured if you were going to break up with me for not going to school, I needed to devise a different plan." He runs his thumb over my bottom lip. "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you, January."

"Promise you'll find a way to go to a real school? A good one," I clarify.

"I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy," he says, completely serious. "But I won't ever leave you here alone, little monster. I can't do that."

I push the memory away, trying to stay in the present. To be here with Cade now.

"I never hated you," I whisper. It kills me a little to know I’m part of the reason he’s still in so much pain. I was a selfish little girl who lashed out just so I didn't have to hurt alone. I guess I got what I wanted. Seven years later, we’re both still bleeding. "I was hurt and angry and wanted you to hurt too. But I never hated you, Cade. I never wanted you to leave."

"You should have hated me," he whispers back, his expression so solemn and serious that tears slip down my cheeks. "You should still hate me. I took everything from you."

"It wasn't your fault," I argue, shaking my head. "I never blamed you. You shouldn't blame yourself either."

He gives me a sad smile. "You always saw more in me than was there. I never deserved you." The self-loathing in his voice breaks me.

"You're wrong. I was the one who didn't deserve you." I dash away the tears blurring my vision and give him a watery smile. "You were always larger than life to me, my own personal hero. And now look at you. You're an honest-to-God hero."

Cade chuckles, the deep sound hitting me low in my stomach. Heat floods through me in a warm rush. "I'm no one's hero, sweetheart."

"I bet the people you've saved would say different," I argue, though I'm unsure why. Clearly, he doesn't see himself the way I always have. He’s been my hero my entire damn life.

His expression twists, and he holds his hands up, palms facing me. He hits me with a look of such intense self-hatred it pins me to my chair and steals my breath. "I've got so much blood on my hands I'll never wash clean, January. The lives I've saved don't even compare to the lives I've taken and the blood I've spilled. I'm not the hero of this story or any other. I'm just the motherfucker waiting in the dark for people like Kaleo."

I flinch, taken aback by how easily those words roll off his tongue. The powerful emotion in his eyes reflects in his voice, running so deep it's overwhelming.

"You should get out of here for a few days," he says, pushing away from the post. "Kaleo isn't fucking around. You're only going to get yourself hurt trying to fight him."

"I'm not going anywhere, Cade."

"Why not?" he asks, clearly exasperated with me. He throws his hands up again, flinging his arms wide this time. "Open your eyes, little monster. This place is falling the fuck apart. It was a shithole when we were growing up, and it's a shithole now. The only thing here worth saving is you."

Anger courses through me at his words. I jump to my feet, glaring at him. "It may be a shithole, but it matters to me. I won't run and hide while Kaleo strolls in and takes it from me. Everything else I love is gone. He doesn't get to take what's left. I won't let him."

"Dammit, January," Cade groans, and I can't tell if he's pissed at me for refusing or if he's just annoyed at being back here in general. It doesn't matter either way.

Once upon a time, I would have given him anything he asked for, no questions asked. But that was then, and this is now. He might not be willing to fight for this block any longer, but I am.

"Maybe you can turn your back on your home," I growl at him, desperately wanting to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum like I did when I was little. "But I can't. I won't. I will fight to keep that bastard off this block until I can't fight anymore."

"You're going to get yourself killed."

"Then at least I'll die having stood for something."

Sometimes, I think maybe dying wouldn't be so bad. That's not normal. It's not healthy. But sometimes I think about it anyway.

“Is that what this is about?” he growls, taking a step toward me, an unholy light in his eyes. “You want to die?”

“My life isn’t your business any longer, Cade. Just go.”