Page 101 of It Destroys Me

I immediately looked at him again.

“I’d rather tell you.”

Epilogue II

Theo

I adjusted the cuff links on my wrist, my eyes staring at the scar I had underneath. I remembered how I got each one, and this one had happened in a knife fight. Some asshole had tried to slash my wrists.

Without those scars, it would be easy to forget the life I used to live. Now, it was phone calls and meetings and numbers. Sometimes it felt like bullshit, but I would lose my mind if I stayed home all day. Or golfed. Or whatever the fuck retired pricks did.

“Damn, you look like a hot piece of ass, man.” Axel came up to me in his suit and tie.

“Thanks.”

He clapped me on the shoulder. “Never thought this day would come.”

“Me neither.” I adjusted the other set of cuff links then slid my hands into my pockets.

Axel’s eyes shifted back and forth between mine. “You don’t seem happy.”

Too stressed to be happy. “It’s not Astrid.”

“Then what is it?” His arms crossed over his chest. “It’s normal to get cold feet. I mean, I didn’t have cold feet, but other people do.”

“It’s not cold feet.”

“Then what is it?”

I stared at myself in the mirror. “I feel like a jackass.”

“Why?”

“I haven’t changed my mind about…you know.”

Axel gave a slow nod in acknowledgment.

“And I know that’s what she wants.” She’d never brought it up again. But I saw the way her eyes softened when she looked at Axel’s kids. I saw the unfulfilled desire. I saw my shadow as her obstacle.

“Then give it to her.”

“I don’t want kids, Axel.”

“You said you didn’t want them because of your life in the game. Well, that’s behind you.”

It was too complicated to share with Axel as we stood in our tuxes, just minutes before I walked down the aisle to marry Astrid.

Axel didn’t press me on it. “I know this isn’t the most romantic conversation in the world, but maybe you should talk to Astrid about this.”

“Now?”

“Yeah. I can tell it’s weighing on you.”

I wanted her to make sure she was sure, that she could live a life without children, that she could accept me. “I told her I would consider having them if she considered not having them, but I don’t feel like I’m upholding my end of the deal.”

“Then uphold your end. Consider it.”

“I don’t know…”