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He had to let go.

“I do mean it, darling,” he said softly. “I can’t keep doing this anymore, not with you. It’s destroying me. I feel soiled, like a disgusting pervert.”

Aksel looked at him searchingly, his scent growing thicker with his distress and anger with every moment as he realized that Lucien was serious. “I don’t believe you,” he said. “Why would you spend my fucking rut with me if this disgusted you?”

This was the question Lucien had hoped he wouldn’t ask. Because it was the hardest thing to explain away. The hardest thing to lie about.

“I spent your rut with you because I was curious.”

Aksel’s scent soured. “Curious,” he repeated flatly.

God, it turned Lucien’s stomach. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to hurt Aksel like this. “Yes. It was… very satisfying. It was even better than people said.”

Aksel recoiled.

Nausea rose to Lucien’s throat. He hated it, hated reducing their connection to a fetish, hated hurting Aksel like this.

“I loved it,” Lucien whispered. “And that sickened me even more afterward. It proved that there’s something wrong with me. I’m sick. Rotten to the core. How could I love having sex with a—with a beast?” He nearly choked on the vile word but forced it out.

Aksel’s expression shattered. But he still didn’t seem to be buying it completely. “Lucien,” he said roughly, reaching for him.

Lucien moved away hastily, nearly falling off the bed. He couldn’t allow Aksel to touch him. He was too weak. He didn’t trust himself not to crumble and cling to him if Aksel touched him.

“Don’t,” he said sharply, getting to his feet. “Stop being so pushy! All you do is push me! You’re no better than the assholes who raped me and ruined my life!”

Aksel flinched as if physically struck.

Feeling sick to his stomach from the bullshit coming out of his mouth, Lucien forced himself to continue. “They also didn’t take no for an answer and used my biology against me. Just because I physically liked being fucked during my first heat doesn’t mean I didn’t feel shitty and gross afterward. It’s the same with you. Exactly the same.”

Aksel looked ill.

He stared at Lucien as if seeing him for the first time. The warmth that had always been in his gaze when he looked at Lucien was gone. There was nothing in his eyes now. Absolutely nothing.

“Right,” he said at last, his voice devoid of any emotion. “I’m sorry I made you feel gross. I won’t force myself on you anymore.” He reached for his clothes and started dressing quickly, as if he couldn’t bear being in the same room as Lucien a moment longer than he had to.

When the door slammed shut after him, Lucien buried his face in the pillow that still smelled of Aksel and breathed raggedly, his shoulders shaking as his silent tears soaked it. He couldn’t even let out the sob that lodged in his throat. He couldn’t risk making any noise for fear of Aksel hearing him. He couldn’t even grieve their relationship properly. They hadn’t had a relationship. They could never have a relationship.

It had been the right thing to do.

It had been.

Doing the right thing had never hurt more.

The dream—the memory—didn’t always end the way it had in real life. Sometimes Lucien’s subconscious tried to fix the memory, make the ending happier, make Aksel realize that Lucien had lied and come back to him, but even in his dream, Lucien knew it wasn’t real.

Even in his dream, he couldn’t believe it.

Chapter Fifteen

At first Lucien tried to come up with some excuse in order not to attend the house party.

But Royce wouldn’t hear of it. “You’ve been avoiding social functions as it is,” he said, frowning deeply. “You haven’t gone out at all ever since Eric left. You were pretty sociable when the kid was around, and I thought you’d started feeling more comfortable at social gatherings, but it wasn’t that at all, was it?”

Lucien shrugged, averting his gaze. He hadmade more efforts to attend society events when Eric had been there. Eric was a Pelugian omega who had been a guest in their house for a few months. He was a distant relative of Royce’s mate and the Cleghorns had given him shelter while he tried to recover from a scandal back home. Lucien had sympathized with the poor kid: he could certainly relate to being the center of a nasty scandal. Eric’s scandal hadn’t been as bad as his, of course, but he was still a young, vulnerable omega whose reputation had been ruined through no fault of his own.

Lucien had wanted to help the boy. That was why he’d made an effort and accompanied the Cleghorns and Eric to various social gatherings: he had wanted Eric not to feel alone. And Lucien was cynical enough to know that his presence distracted people from Eric’s scandal, making it look insignificant in comparison. And it had worked marvelously. Until it didn’t.

When Eric had returned to Pelugia, Lucien had stopped going to social events. There was little point anymore.