Page 51 of It Must Be Love

"Ann mentioned something that…she said that Naya had been in an accident, and she has a lot of scars."

"Accident? We never heard. Did it happen when she was a child?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. But she said something on the lines of that I'd find her scars ugly, that...."

"And now you're worried that you only care about surface beauty?"

"Fuck no," I protested. "I don't care if she has scales under her clothes. I'll probably still be sporting a hard on as soon as she opens her mouth and talks. I don’t know when she went from irritating girl who has a crush on me to sexy woman I want to fuck."

"Then what?"

"I just have a feeling that it did a lot of emotional damage as well. I'm scared I may say or do something to worsen it."

"Be mindful," Hayes recommended, "And be respectful. That's about all you can do."

"I don't want to ever hurt her again," I confessed, "I probably will but not on purpose. She's a kind and good person. I wish I hadn't been so blind before."

"You can't rush maturity," Hayes consoled me, "And your eyes are wide open now Amias, and that's worth its weight in Burgundy."

Chapter 19

Naya

"What if he wants to have sex?" I asked Darren as I put the duck inside the pre-heated oven. I was going French for this Christmas. I was making duck with plum sauce, mashed potatoes, almond cauliflower roast, green beans with tomato confit, and a classic French yule log for dessert.

"Then have sex if you want to," Darren suggested and then blew his nose. He'd evolved from coughing to a runny nose now. I almost pulled my earbuds out, he was so loud.

"I can't just have sex."

"Sure, you can. You have a pussy, and usually that means—"

"Gross, Darren. Don't ever talk about my lady parts."

Darren laughed hoarsely and then blew his nose again.

"You scared, Sparky?" he finally asked.

"Yeah."

"Tell me why?"

It was a tactic he'd taught me to calm anxiety. When I was scared, I'd take it to the worst-case scenario and then assess the situation from that lens.

"I'm scared that he's playing a game with me. That he wants to humiliate me."

"Okay. How will he do that?"

"He'll tell others how I cooked for him when he was a jackass to me, and that I have no pride."

"Who are these other people he'll say these things to?" he asked patiently.

I felt tears prick my eyes and then bleed through. "My brother, Kara, Ann…and I'll find out he never actually broke up with Ann. That he was just doing this to entertain himself."

"Oh, Sparky," Darren sighed. "What else?" he prodded.

I chewed on my lips to stop myself from whimpering. "He'll say he wants to make love, and then when he sees my scars, he's going to be revolted by them. He'll tell me I'm ugly, and how could I ever think someone like him would be interested in someone as horrible as me."

I could hear Darren's ragged breath and it wasn't the virus. He knew this was hard for me, but it was also difficult for him to hear because I was telling him what was inside me, what my inner critics were telling me.