Page 82 of It Hurts Me
There was a long pause, a heavy one, full of so many things she never said. “I-I didn’t expect to get divorced. I thought we would be together forever. Just a few months ago, I wanted to start a family…and now, I want to start a new life. It’s hard because I really did love him. When he told me he wanted to be with other people, I still loved him. But over the last few months, that love changed. It stopped being enough.” She swallowed and paused, forcing her eyes to remain dry. “He told me every man wants to fuck someone else besides his wife, but he was honest enough to tell me, and that somehow makes him better than all the rest. That he could have just cheated on me behind my back, but?—”
“But he decided to cheat on you to your face,” I said coldly. “Yes, very honorable.” I hated Bolton for my own reasons, but the more I listened to her, the more I realized he was just an insufferable human being.
Her eyes latched on to mine.
“Some men want to fuck around. Men like him, who want a wife to fulfill a role, to hold her end of a business deal she didn’t know she was making. She signed her name on the dotted line but didn’t read the terms and conditions because she assumed she didn’t need to. And other men…” Memories flashed across my mind, brief and sudden, bright colors and then rain clouds of gray. “Other men commit to one woman for the rest of their life because that’s the only woman they want until they die. Men like Axel…and others like him.”
Her eyes were locked on mine as she listened to me speak. She stopped blinking, regarding my stare intently. “And…what about you?”
I knew what she wanted from me, what she would never ask. “I’m a one-woman kind of man…when the time is right.”
Her eyes flicked back and forth between mine, wanting to know more.
“I’m possessive. I’m jealous as fuck. Protective. Borderline psychotic. If someone tried to touch my woman, it would be the last thing they’d ever do. I’m too busy being into her to be interested in anyone else. I’m nothing like Bolton—but I’m sure you already figured that out.”
“But you pay for sex and don’t take women out.”
She’d approached this topic once before, but I’d brushed her away. It was the red zone, off-limits. “Because I don’t want to be in a relationship. It takes commitment, a level of commitment I’m incapable of right now.”
Her eyes took me in with a hint of sadness. “Why are you incapable of it?”
I got lost in her eyes, almost tempted to tell her the truth, to share my hardship with another person besides Axel. I shared my truth with Axel, but I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve. “Because I am. After what Bolton did to you, I’m surprised you don’t feel the same.”
Her eyes flicked down for a second as she considered that. “I probably would feel that way…if I hadn’t met you.” It took her a moment to look at me again, embarrassed by what she had said.
I didn’t want to hear those words, but I respected her for saying them.
“It’ll be a while before I’m officially divorced because I know Bolton will make it as difficult as possible. It’s not exactly the ideal conditions to start a new relationship…or deepen an existing one. Just because Bolton and I are in the process of separating doesn’t mean I don’t still have feelings for him, which isn’t fair to you or anyone else. So, when you say you aren’t ready for that level of commitment, that’s okay, because I’m not either. But I would like to pursue this, at whatever pace is best for us.” The hopeful burn remained in her eyes as she stared at me, openly wearing her heart on her sleeve, when I refused to do the same for her.
It was easy to get lost in her eyes when she spoke like that, with pure vulnerability, like she trusted me despite the skull diamond I wore on my hand, despite the fact that I was in the same business as the man who had betrayed her. Bolton and I were both black sheep, both dangerous, but she looked at me like I was different. “Relationships lead to commitment, and commitment leads to marriage—the type of relationship I never intend to offer. The last thing I want to do is waste your time, sweetheart. Please understand this isn’t an empty warning. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. You said you want to have a family, so you don’t have much time to waste on someone who won’t give that to you. With me, you get what you see, hear the truth even when you prefer the lie, so I’ll never disappoint you the way Bolton has. But I also won’t give you as much as he has.”
She absorbed my words with a heavy stare, her eyes still locked on mine. Her gaze didn’t hold disappointment. But she seemed to take my words seriously because she digested them during a long bout of silence. “I understand.”
I waited for more, for her to elaborate on exactly what she wanted, but I refused to push.
“Yes, I’m aware of the constant ticking of the clock, but it’s hard to imagine being in that place anytime soon. Right now, all I have is the present, and the only man I desire is you, regardless of what you have to offer.”
I felt like the biggest jackass for wanting that answer, for watching her settle for less than she deserved just because it benefited me. Instead of giving her false hope to entice her, I was honest with her, even if that meant I’d lose her. She still wanted me, and I felt like shit about that because I was dangling candy in front of a kid—and the kid always ate the candy, even if they knew it would make them sick.
Now that the storm clouds had passed over our skies, it was just the two of us, staring at each other, an invisible magnetic force slowly pulling us closer together. She had the same confident stare that I possessed, just with a hint of softness like a flower in the spring sunshine. I’d been with a lot of women, but none of them wanted me the way she did, like her desire was deeper than the surface, like she wanted to dig her hands into my skin and reach my soul underneath.
My restraint broke like a stretched rubber band, and I moved to her, sliding my hand deep into her hair as I angled her chin back, preparing her mouth for my kiss. My lips met hers, and as always, there was a break in time, a pause that stopped the world from turning. It resumed a second later, and I deepened my kiss, my arm moving across the small of her back and squeezing her close.
She rose on her tiptoes as one hand found my chest, and her arm hooked halfway around my neck, as far as she could reach when she was at a serious height disadvantage while barefoot. But her kiss was passionate, like she’d been wanting this for every second of every day for years.
I scooped her into my chest so she could hook both of her arms easily around my neck, our mouths level so she wouldn’t have to crane her slim neck so far to kiss me. My hands squeezed her ass in her little shorts as I guided her to the bed, my dick anxious since the moment she’d accepted my terms. Her legs were so toned and sexy, her toenails painted a pale blue like the sky. I pictured those little feet against my chest as I nailed her on the hotel bed.
I laid her back and hooked my fingers into her bottoms before I pulled back, tugging her shorts and the panties underneath with me. I dragged both down her toned legs and revealed the sex that I could taste on my tongue just by looking at it.
She watched me stare at her, her body propped on her elbows, her breathing elevated.
I yanked my shirt over my head and undressed, my knees sinking into the mattress when I returned to the bed.
She pulled off her shirt and revealed her tits underneath because she wasn’t wearing a bra.
I moved on top of her then flinched.
I didn’t bring anything.