Page 77 of It Hurts Me
“No man wants to fuck the same woman for the rest of his life. Sorry, but that’s the truth. Monogamy is an obligation, not a privilege.”
“If you feel that way, then why the fuck did you marry me?”
“Because I loved you,” he insisted. “Because I still do. You need to understand, wanting to fuck a woman is very different from wanting to make love to a woman. You’re the woman I want to come home to. You’re the woman I want to spend time with. You’re the woman I want to have my children. I want so much more from you. But yes, sometimes I want to fuck a woman I don’t know just to scratch that itch. That doesn’t mean everything else I’ve said isn’t true. Again, if you had just told me you couldn’t get past it, we wouldn’t be here right now.”
“Don’t you fucking blame me?—”
“I do blame you,” he barked. “All you had to do was say no.”
“I want a husband who doesn’t want anyone else but me.”
“Well, that’s not going to happen. All men, at some point in time, desire someone else. It doesn’t mean they love their wives less.”
I thought of Axel and the way he smothered his wife in signs of his love. She was covered in diamonds and gold from his affection. I thought of Theo too, because he seemed like a man who would be the same way. “I don’t believe that. I believe there are men out there who love their woman with everything that they have. And that’s what I want. I’m not going to settle for less. I’m not going to let you gaslight me.”
“I’m not gaslighting you?—”
“You just said all of this was my fault. That I should have said no. That I shouldn’t have slept with the same man more than once. That all of this is happening because of my wrongdoing—when you’re the one who started all this bullshit. You know what I think?”
His anger started to rise. It was visible in his face.
“I think you assumed I was so stupidly in love with you that I would stay committed to you while you fucked half the town. That you could have your cake and eat it too. Well, joke’s on you, Bolton. You saw a rock, but someone else saw the Hope Diamond.” I moved into him, prepared to push him away if I had to, and I shoved him in the shoulder to force him aside.
He blocked my path and grabbed both of my arms to lock me in place. “Astrid?—”
“Let me go.”
“No.” His hold tightened.
“You fight for me now?” The tears came out of nowhere, springing from my eyes like the water from the Alps in spring. “This is what I wanted, for you to fight for me, and now you do it when it’s all said and done?”
His anger dimmed at the sight of my tears. His grip loosened too.
“I wanted you to love me, to want only me, and now you’re trying to stop me from walking out that door. Bolton, I loved you…loved you so fucking much, and you knew that. You took advantage of that love, pushed me further than I could go. Why am I the one who loved so fiercely but also the one getting smashed into pieces?”
“Astrid—”
“I pestered you to have a family because I wanted a son who wears your face. I cooked you dinner every night because I wanted to make a home for you, to make you happy. I’d buy lingerie and do special things for you to keep you satisfied in the hope you’d never want to look anywhere else. I gave this relationship all of me all of the time because I never wanted to lose you. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t fucking matter.”
His eyes developed a sheen, one so subtle, it was barely noticeable.
“I deserve better.” I finally pulled free of his grasp because he let me go.
I walked around him, expecting him to grab me again when his senses came back to him.
But he didn’t.
I walked down the stairs and reached the foyer. My keys were in the bowl, and my clutch was on the dresser below the mirror. I grabbed everything and stepped into the garage where my car was tucked away, still covered in raindrops because it had rained that morning on my way to work.
I stared at it and hesitated, knowing there was no going back now.
I got in the car…and left.
I booked a suite at a hotel and sat on the edge of the bed, my bag beside me. I didn’t realize how long I’d been sitting there until sunlight came through the window and stretched across the floor. Then my boss called me and asked why I hadn’t shown up.
I told him I was sick, so sick I wouldn’t be in for the next few days.
At some point, I got so tired I couldn’t keep my head up, so I lay across the bed and pulled the duvet over me, pulling it back away from the pillows so I was basically using the bed upside down. There was a crick in my neck from lying without a pillow, but I continued to lie there, dead on the inside, thankful that Bolton didn’t try to call.