Page 45 of It Hurts Me
“Those are your words.”
“I’m aware of what I said.”
“But you clearly aren’t,” he said. “I can see that.”
A part of me wanted to burst and tell him it killed me inside, that I’d been broken ever since the moment he’d admitted his desire for other women. It was a hit to my confidence, an axe to my heart. I could make it all stop right now if I asked for it to stop, but if I did…that meant I would never see Theo again. That meant his dark eyes would never pierce my flesh. He would never kiss me like I was the sexiest thing he’d ever seen. Those big hands would never squeeze my hips again, never squeeze my tits. Now, everything was complicated because I was invested in a man who wasn’t my husband. To get what I wanted from Bolton, I would have to let Theo go…and I just couldn’t do that.
It made me feel like shit, but then I remembered none of this was my fault.
It was his fault. “It’s been hard to adjust to the change, I admit that. But I’m okay with it.” I looked at him as I said it because I needed my sincerity to come through. Weeks ago, I’d just wanted my marriage back. I was ready to walk away from Theo…until Bolton walked in with lipstick on his neck. That was the catalyst for all the events that led to this moment, made me desire a man more than I’d ever desired anyone, including the man beside me. “But I do think it’s strange to try for a family when we’ve just started this arrangement.”
Bolton peered into my face, his blue eyes like the lens of a microscope, analyzing everything. “If it works for us, it’s not strange.”
“Do you even want a family?”
“Of course I do.”
“But do you actually want it, or are you just doing it because your brother has kids, because that’s the next stage in life? You’re gone a lot, and you won’t see them much. You don’t want to change that?”
“My job is to provide for my family. To put our kids in private school. To give them the best lives they could possibly have. Maybe they’ll be disappointed when they’re young, but when they’re older, they’ll understand and be grateful.”
I’d rather have my father around than attend an expensive school with snobby kids. That was just my opinion.
“Baby.”
My eyes had drifted away and came back to him.
“If you ever want this to end, all you have to do is tell me. You understand that, right?” His eyes bored into mine again. “Because I love you with my whole heart. These women mean nothing to me—but you mean everything.”
Women. Plural. There’d been different lovers in his bed—and I hadn’t even slept with Theo. Guilt and obligation had restrained me. I couldn’t just jump into bed with someone else so quickly, not the way he could. But I meant everything to him?
He searched my face, wanting my answer.
“Yes,” I said with forced calm. “I understand.”
The second Bolton was out of the house, I fired off a text. Can I come over?
The three dots were instant. I meant what I said, sweetheart. His deep voice sounded in my head as I read the words, the subtle threat that he somehow made gentle.
I didn’t feel the anxiety anymore. Didn’t feel the moral injury. I felt nothing at all, no guilt or shame. The tight handcuffs on my wrists had sprung free. Why do you think I want to come over?
Then get your ass over here.
I packed my bag and drove to his place fifteen minutes away, south of the Duomo. The gates automatically opened when my car pulled up, and I left my car down below in his underground garage.
He had an elevator that rose to the ground floor, so I stepped into his beautiful villa and was immediately smothered by his distinct presence. The hardwood floors were made of walnut, so they almost looked black. The décor that someone else had picked out was all in shades that matched his exterior, dark and complex.
George didn’t come out to greet me, so I headed to the stairs to begin my journey to the top floor, but when I heard his deep voice, I stilled.
It came from the study, the one where his artwork hung. I hesitated before I turned back and approached the double doors that were partially open.
“Tell him a deal’s a deal.” Theo’s voice was calm but deep with anger. “If he doesn’t want to honor it like a man, then I won’t honor my end of the deal either.”
I stopped when I realized I’d just stepped into the underworld, the world that Bolton barely mentioned to me. The only evidence I witnessed was the interactions he had with people at parties or at dinners. It didn’t feel so threatening when I wasn’t part of it, and I thought that was intentional on Bolton’s part.
Theo seemed to fire off a list to someone who listened. “Talk to Fender. I know he’s out of the game, but that man still knows shit. He still knows all the big players because he’ll always be the biggest player there ever was. And if the Colombians are still giving us pushback, tell them I’ll personally pay them a visit.” There was a pause before he spoke again. “Sweetheart, get in here.”
I was blocked from view by one of the doors, but he somehow knew I was there. I rounded the corner and entered the room, Theo sitting in his usual armchair with a lit cigar resting between his fingertips. In just his gray sweatpants, he commanded the room with that skull ring on his left hand. There were two other guys, both smoking as they sat on each of the couches. Neither one of them looked at me. I stepped inside, my bag over my shoulder, feeling completely out of place.