Page 143 of This Woman Forever
That’s it.
Any slice of control I had is lost, and I absolutely batter the fucker, punching him until my fist physically can’t take anymore, leaving him curled in a ball on the carpet, blood pouring from his nose, his eyes closed from the instant swelling. “Stay the fuck away from me and my wife.” I leave before I kill him, getting in my car and hitting the steering wheel over and over before screeching off. I drive like a total fucking idiot, my emotions changing as much as the gears of my car, tears clouding my vision, then anger, my mind in utter chaos.
Unforgiveable.
It’s unforgiveable, and that truly scares the shit out of me, because I didn’t think there was anything in this world that could make me question my feelings for Ava. This, though? It’s got me. And, worse, Ava will never know the level of betrayal I feel.
Because she still doesn’t know I’m a father who lost his daughter.
Two hours driving around the countryside didn’t cool me off either. John watches me pass him on the driveway, my car too fast over the gravel as I steer it around the side of The Manor. I get out and go straight to the garages, hitting my fob to open the doors and scanning the line of machines before me. I haven’t needed to do this for a while. I pull down my helmet from the shelf. No leathers. No gloves.
Swinging my leg over the bike, I settle in the cushioned seat. “She didn’t let me take her to work,” John says.
I laugh on the inside. Of course she didn’t.
“Jesse,” he goes on, appearing before me.
“Not now.”
“Then when?”
When I feel less likely to explode and destroy everything in my path. “Later.” I reach up to get my helmet on, but John’s hand on the front of my bike stalls me.
“What’s going on?” he asks, concerned.
I stare at him, unable to speak the words. How could she? “I’m fine.”
“Shut the fuck up, Jesse. Tell me before I drag you off this bike and kick it out of you.”
“She was going to have an abortion.”
His massive chest inflates from his shocked inhale.
“Yeah,” I breathe. “I know.”
“And the blood?” he asks, pointing to my fists.
I lift my hand, seeing smears across the knuckles. “Matt’s face.”
“What?”
“He sent me the letter Ava’s doctor sent to his flat confirming her scan appointment and options.”
“Shit.”
“I need to ride.” I push my helmet on and turn the key in the ignition, kicking the stand up and revving the engine as I hit the button on the fob for the gates, ensuring they’re open by the time I get there. Ensuring I don’t need to slow down. Stop. And they are. I fly through them, checking for oncoming traffic, and as soon as I’m on the main road, I open her up, flying through the gears until she’s maxed out, my T-shirt stuck to me, the world whizzing past in a blur, wind rushing past, the noise mingling with the roar of the engine, diluting my thoughts. But not enough. Abortion? How could she? I’m at a loss, so fucking hurt.
Killing yourself isn’t the answer, bro.
Then what is?
Compassion. You think she’d have even considered it if she knew about Rosie?
I slow a little and take a curve wide, seeing the road ahead is clear. I max her out again. It doesn’t matter. She was going to take a life without a second thought for the aftermath. The guilt. The loss.
Is it the same thing?
“I don’t fucking know!” I scream at the road.